Captain's Punch

Questions have been swirling around the Penguins throughout this depressing first round of playoffs, but the main one is, "Why are the Penguins so dang cute and cuddly?" Oh, wait, that's not it. The main one is, "What the hell happened to them?" Watching the Penguins combine porous defense with outright thuggery was embarrassing for fans at best. And Sidney Crosby, usually a good leader, was right in the thick of it.

But let's have some fun with this. We're going to want something strong for Game 4. Something that tastes almost as good coming up as it does going down, if things come to that. In light of our captain's aggression, Captain's Punch, a Southern classic, somehow seems right.

Captain's Punch

1/2 oz spiced rum (like Captain Morgan)
1/2 oz amaretto almond liqueur
1/2 oz Southern Comfort
2 1/2 oz orange juice (no pulp is best)

Fill a highball or old-fashioned glass with ice cubes. Pour all ingredients into it. Stir fast, drink slow.

Sidney's Superstition

As Penguins fans, we hated the 2011 Winter Classic, but loved HBO's 24/7 series. One of the better parts addressed Sidney Crosby's many superstitions, including his 5 pm peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

I wanted to do this drink in his honor, and then his season ended in early January. But, his doctor's cleared him for his usual summer workout routine. This made me pathetically happy after that depressing 2010-11 season. So, celebrate the fact that we (knock on wood!) have Crosby on his way back to us with this shooter. He can't have it at 5 pm on game day, but that shouldn't stop you this fall. It's better than putting on a nasty old cup, anyway.

Sidney's Superstition

1 ounce Castries peanut liqueur
1 ounce strawberry vodka

Shake ingredients together in a cocktail shaker with a handful of ice until well-blended. Serve in a shot glass immediately. Recipe can easily be multiplied for a group.

NOTE ON INGREDIENTS: I don't specifically endorse Castries, and I'm certainly not getting paid by any liquor company. I simply don't know any other peanut liqueur. (My first "peanut butter and jelly"-ish shooter was actually made with Frangelico.) This one's very creamy, intense, and rum-based.

Y'all make the drinking game, I'll make the shooters

I've thought of creating a Ovechkin versus Crosby Capitals versus Penguins drinking game for a week. The problem is, I've had a few other things on my mind, and I don't have a lot of inspiration left for a drinking game. I do, however, have a few excellent ideas for shooters. So, I'll post a couple shooters, and as we count down the hours, maybe other Penguins fans can make suggestions in comments.

Each of these is a single shot; you can multiply the quantities for multiple shots. The Goldfish is my adaptation of the Finnish fisu (fish) shot, which combines Fisherman's Friend cough drops with chilled vodka--mine tastes, but doesn't feel, a little gentler. Being a Southerner, I regard the Alabama Slammer Shooter as a classic. The Peanut Butter and Jelly...well, readers of Puck Huffers know why.

Goldfish

1 ounce Pernod
1 ounce vodka
2 Fisherman's Friend cough drops

Combine ingredients with a handful of crushed ice in a shaker, then shake. Strain liquid into shot glass.

Alabama Slammer Shooter

1/2 oz sloe gin
1 oz amaretto
1 oz Southern Comfort
dash of lemon juice

Pour all ingredients into a highball glass with ice. Stir well, then strain into a shot glass.

Peanut Butter and Jelly

3/4 ounce Frangelico liqueur
3/4 ounce Chambord liqueur

Fill a cocktail shaker with ice. Pour ingredients into it, shake well. Strain into a shot glass.

I close with a haiku I wrote:

Go ahead, call him
'A caveman-looking asshole'.
We know you want to.

Crosby Sucks

Confession that won't shock anyone: Bill Guerin may bring out my inner puck bunny (I didn't even know I had one until he joined the Pens), but Sidney Crosby is my very favorite Penguins player. I sat on this one, saving it for a game where Crosby really, really brought the awesome. Maybe the hat trick and five points he got against the New York Rangers on November 28 qualifies.

The following is my very favorite cocktail, except that I substituted Canadian whiskey for my usual bourbon. This gives it a less mellow and sweet flavor than the bourbon does--some sandpaper, if you will. While Crosby was among friends on home ice on the 28th--on hat giveaway day, no less--I couldn't resist naming this after the most hilariously ironic and moronic chant in all of sports. One of the things I love is his ability to use that fan hate and send 'em home with something to really be upset about.

Seriously, it's the next best thing to drinking actual Flyers, Rangers, or Capitals fan tears.

Crosby Sucks

2 ounces good Canadian whiskey

1 ounce cherry liqueur

About 6-8 ounces vanilla cola, regular or diet

Fill a tumbler halfway with ice. Shake whiskey and cherry liqueur with two ice cubes in cocktail shaker, then pour it, ice and all, into the glass. Fill glass with vanilla cola. Stir slowly.