Captain's Punch

Questions have been swirling around the Penguins throughout this depressing first round of playoffs, but the main one is, "Why are the Penguins so dang cute and cuddly?" Oh, wait, that's not it. The main one is, "What the hell happened to them?" Watching the Penguins combine porous defense with outright thuggery was embarrassing for fans at best. And Sidney Crosby, usually a good leader, was right in the thick of it.

But let's have some fun with this. We're going to want something strong for Game 4. Something that tastes almost as good coming up as it does going down, if things come to that. In light of our captain's aggression, Captain's Punch, a Southern classic, somehow seems right.

Captain's Punch

1/2 oz spiced rum (like Captain Morgan)
1/2 oz amaretto almond liqueur
1/2 oz Southern Comfort
2 1/2 oz orange juice (no pulp is best)

Fill a highball or old-fashioned glass with ice cubes. Pour all ingredients into it. Stir fast, drink slow.

Painkiller for Trade Week

Hockey's over for the summer, but there's still a lot going on in Penguins Nation. There are the optimistic reports: Sidney Crosby's working out twice a day, like he did in summers before the concussion! Evgeni Malkin's healing up from his ACL surgery really well! Dan Bylsma swears he's working on the power play! The Philadelphia Flyers finally got a decent goalie, but jettisoned their best forwards to pay for him!

Then there are the moments when we realize how different our own team will look very soon. Tyler Kennedy became an unrestricted free agent today, after writing his resume late last season. Max Talbot turned down an offer from Ray Shero. Rumors of Jaromir Jagr's possible return have longtime fans getting jumpy. And as I write, something else may have happened.

So. We need something good and strong. Something to take away the pain we'll be feeling as we refresh Twitter and our favorite Pittsburgh Penguins forums the next few days. I can't think of anything better than the Painkiller, a terrific tiki classic. The following is the traditional recipe, though the proportions of the non-liquor ingredients can be played with to make a stronger or weaker (and still quite tasty) drink.

Painkiller

2 ounces dark rum
4 ounces pineapple juice
1 ounce coconut cream
1 ounce orange juice

Shake with a few ice cubes, then strain into an tall glass filled with ice. Sprinkle ground nutmeg on top.

If you feel like working a little harder, I've been enjoying this rum-infused Painkiller sorbet as well.

NOTE ON INGREDIENTS: The original recipe calls specifically for Pusser's dark rum. I don't endorse any brand, and have had no problem with other brands. Fresh orange juice is also recommended, but it's hard to come by this time of year. Any good not-from-concentrate orange juice with a bit of pulp will work.

Adios Motherfucker, Redux

I'd love to be welcoming Sidney Crosby back with a peanut-butter-and-jelly shooter, but that's most likely not going to happen. We don't get Matt Cooke back unless the Penguins go to the second round, and Evgeni Malkin is still on the mend. So. Our boys need to use the forces they have. We've seen them do it for months now, to much better effect than they have the past two games.

I've posted this classic drink recipe before, but it's even more appropriate now that the Tampa Bay Lightning forced a Game 7 in the quarterfinals. Birds of the Burgh suggested on Twitter last night that I make a drink for a team facing elimination and make it strong. Nothing else seems more right than this.

While you're making this Wednesday evening, one of my favorite fight songs: "Comanche", by the Revels.

Adios Motherfucker

1/2 oz vodka
1/2 oz light rum
1/2 oz silver tequila
1/2 oz gin
1/2 oz blue curacao liqueur
2 oz sweet and sour mix
2 oz lemon-lime soda

Pour all the ingredients except for the lemon-lime soda into a chilled glass filled with ice cubes. Float soda on top. Stir gently.

Let's grind these bitches down!

Out of the Penalty Box!

I have got to be more careful when I pride-bet. But the 24 hours with that awful, awful red-and-white color scheme are OVER! So, I hope, are the Washington Capitals tomorrow night. The Caps may be a bit distracted--wonder why?

As I said, I'll be drinking Crosby Sucks in honor of the chants we'll be hearing all week. However, I thought of what I want to be chanting at my TV. This isn't my recipe--it's a classic cocktail that I enjoyed in my early twenties on the rare occasions when I really, really wanted to get hammered. Basically, it's jungle juice, but since it's blue and tastes citrusy, I loved it.

Adios Motherfucker

1 ounce gin
1 ounce light rum
1 ounce tequila
1 ounce vodka
1 1/2 ounce blue curacao liqueur
2 ounces sweet-and-sour mix
1 ounce lemon-lime soda

Shake all the alcohol plus sweet-and-sour mix in a shaker. Pour into tall glass with ice. Float lemon-lime soda on top.

Sometimes I bet pride.

You'll notice the blog looks disturbingly different. Well, once again I pride-bet L'Ailee's best friend A., who is a rabid Detroit Red Wings fan like her. This time, the Penguins and I lost. I must maintain this disgusting color scheme for 24 hours. I have my beloved wife's ugly-ass Winged Wheel earrings in my earlobes, also for 24 hours. (This is the kind of fun two-woman couples can have!) I must put up a Red Wings screensaver on my work computer for the day tomorrow, and not change it until Wednesday morning. And I need to post this drink which would be good, except for the name. This was first created and named years ago.

The Detroit Red Wing

6 ounces Vernor's Ginger Ale
2 ounces cinnamon schnapps

Combine ingredients with ice in a tall glass. The Vernor's is important--it's very Detroit, and is the only good thing to come out of Detroit lately. My Michigander mother believes it has medicinal properties.

You can make that if you wanna, but I'll be making Crosby Sucks for the upcoming Capitals and Flyers games. Hopefully our captain will give them something to really complain about once again.

Of Staals and Shooters

We've gone an awful long time without Penguins hockey, haven't we? And the last game was marred by Matt Cooke's possibly season-ending hit to Marc Savard's head. Tomorrow night's game against the Carolina Hurricanes should be much better. I'm going to have to TiVo it because it's my birthday and I don't want to spend it in front of the TV, but I hope Bill Guerin gives me the gift of a hat trick and/or a really hot decisive fight.

What this game will almost definitely bring are a few (hundred) references to the fact that the guys named Staal on each team, the ones who look really similar, are, big shock, brothers. Last year, Kim and Zoe at Puck Huffers came up with the Staal Brothers Drinking Game. A drinking game requires a good shooter, and so I came up with this earlier in the season. It tastes good, and it's green, like the famous sod farm. (Some of you may therefore wish to try this next week.)

Staal Sod Farm Shooter

1 ounce vanilla-flavored vodka
1 ounce creme de menthe

Shake ingredients in cocktail shaker with a couple of ice cubes; pour into shot glass. Can be easily multiplied for multiple shots.

After I posted that, FrankD at Pensburgh suggested that I make a cocktail that is appropriately grassy, with chlorophyll or wheatgrass. Homer Simpson (okay, his writers) beat me to it. I'd have to drink a lot of something else in order to drink this, but I'll share it here anyway.

Lawnmower

1 oz vodka
1 oz wheatgrass juice

Stir together in a shot glass, and serve.

Me, I'll probably be having a bourbon and "Come onnnnn, y'all, ya gotta have Diet Pepsi, not just Coke, right?" Hooks Orpik can help with morning-after recovery. To quote the great Sinead O'Connor, "If we can't be good, we'll be careful."

USA! USA! USA!

I promised red, white, and blue cocktails, but I had surgery planned this past week and underestimated just how much that would cut into my blogging time (no pun intended!) Tomorrow, my "cocktail" for watching USA versus Canada mens' hockey will be Percocet chased with Stash Tea's Red, White, and Blueberry Fusion.

This is a favorite of mine for times when I feel patriotic, though. There are a gazillion variations--the point is to pick liquors and mixers that will sit on top of each other, in red, white, and blue, equal amounts, and not stir. This is mine.

Bomb Pop

2 ounces blue curacao liqueur
2 ounces pre-made lemonade, without pulp (Turkey Hill's works)
2 ounces pomegranate liqueur

Pour pomegranate liqueur into old-fashioned glass first. Slowly pour in lemonade, then blue curacao. It'll mix, but don't stir it!

A few other All-American cocktail ideas, some of which are more complicated than I'll ever make during intermission:

the Boston Pops Martini, which I like because it's rimmed with Pop Rocks instead of sugar. (Free Candy!)

Food and Wine magazine's recipes and illustrations

It's gonna feel weird rooting against Sidney Crosby tomorrow. Having Brooks Orpik on Team USA makes it tons easier. USA! USA! USA!

"It's NBC, go ahead and run the blender"

I hope that I don't ruin it by typing this out, but I'm pretty confident that the Pittsburgh Penguins will win tomorrow's game against the Philadelphia Flyers even though it's in the afternoon. You see, I have a pretty good track record. Every month this season, there's been a game late in the month that I've had to miss because I was unavoidably busy doing something else, whether it was clubbing in Orlando with friends I hadn't seen in a year or watching the Detroit Red Wings with L'Ailee at Joe Louis. Inevitably, as I was getting drawn into a bar fight with some woman who thought I was stealing her boyfriend (won it, by the way) or whining because I'd paid to watch the Wings get their asses handed to them, the Pens would have themselves an amazing game that I'd have to learn about via text updates.

Tomorrow, I will be performing with other members of my belly-dancing class. I am extremely nervous, because there will also be actual Middle Eastern women who've danced all their lives in that room and I am at the shallow end of the talent pool. No way in hell can I get out of it, especially since I have a tandem performance with my best friend in addition to my solo. I will have to watch everyone else, and I will be expected to stick around for tea and snacks with my instructor. Our guys lost against the Flyers the last time. They lost the first game of the season against the Washington Capitals on Thursday. They can't be anything but motivated tomorrow. I fully expect that while I'm dancing to the Revels' "Comanche" and hopefully not tripping over my own feet, the Penguins will be playing on fire.

I'm gonna be drinking herbal tea and lots of it. I hope somebody has a Crosby Sucks for me. (It seems like that's the signature drink of this blog, at least for the moment.) But since y'all are going to have to endure NBC's hockey commentary in order to watch this game, you might want something that makes it a little more bearable. Something that involves running the blender to drown their gang of idiots out during intermission. Something like the Pensacola Bushwacker, a true Floridian original that is so bad for you in so many ways that it's excellent. Some people say you should use half-and-half, some people say ice cream, and some people say both. I come down firmly on the "ice cream" side.

Pensacola Bushwacker

4 oz cream of coconut
2 oz Kahlua
1 oz dark rum
1 oz creme de cacao
1/2 cup vanilla ice cream

Pour all ingredients into a blender with two cups of ice, and blend until completely mixed. Serve in a hurricane glass.

And, for another multi-recipe post, a cocktail that is somewhat less horrible for you, but probably much more horrible for your jersey, couch, and carpet if you're not careful. Tasty, though. This is something my sister-in-law likes to do with cheap red wine. Her name for it seems more appropriate for Flyers hockey than anything I can think of, too.

Punch in the Mouth

3/4 cup merlot or shiraz
3/4 cup frozen berries. (Raspberries, blackberries, blueberries, or a combination of those will work)
1/2 cup pomegranate juice

Put all ingredients into blender; blend until completely mixed. Serve in a hurricane glass or large tumbler. You notice that there is no ice in this one. This is why I emphasize that the berries should be frozen...and, of course, your blender should be strong enough to handle such a job.

Y'all make the drinking game, I'll make the shooters

I've thought of creating a Ovechkin versus Crosby Capitals versus Penguins drinking game for a week. The problem is, I've had a few other things on my mind, and I don't have a lot of inspiration left for a drinking game. I do, however, have a few excellent ideas for shooters. So, I'll post a couple shooters, and as we count down the hours, maybe other Penguins fans can make suggestions in comments.

Each of these is a single shot; you can multiply the quantities for multiple shots. The Goldfish is my adaptation of the Finnish fisu (fish) shot, which combines Fisherman's Friend cough drops with chilled vodka--mine tastes, but doesn't feel, a little gentler. Being a Southerner, I regard the Alabama Slammer Shooter as a classic. The Peanut Butter and Jelly...well, readers of Puck Huffers know why.

Goldfish

1 ounce Pernod
1 ounce vodka
2 Fisherman's Friend cough drops

Combine ingredients with a handful of crushed ice in a shaker, then shake. Strain liquid into shot glass.

Alabama Slammer Shooter

1/2 oz sloe gin
1 oz amaretto
1 oz Southern Comfort
dash of lemon juice

Pour all ingredients into a highball glass with ice. Stir well, then strain into a shot glass.

Peanut Butter and Jelly

3/4 ounce Frangelico liqueur
3/4 ounce Chambord liqueur

Fill a cocktail shaker with ice. Pour ingredients into it, shake well. Strain into a shot glass.

I close with a haiku I wrote:

Go ahead, call him
'A caveman-looking asshole'.
We know you want to.

Geno's Hat Trick

"Please notice when you are happy."--Kurt Vonnegut. Also, the tattoo I got on my wrist yesterday.

I wasn't going to post any recipes for a while. I was going to wait. Once again, I just have to jump the gun.

This is a recipe I sat on for a while. I can't take credit for it. My brother invented it and shared it with me on Thanksgiving weekend. What I can take credit for is always having chai-flavored tea bags and vanilla vodka around the house...oh, and the fact that I taught him enough about Penguins hockey that he's perfectly okay with my naming it after Evgeni Malkin, or any player but Jordan Staal. (My SIL said that Staal is, quote, "fine as hell." She's very glad that his face will heal up okay from its meeting with the puck on December 21. So am I.)

Anyway. December 23 found me at Joe Louis, suffering through the Chicago Blackhawks' shutout of the Detroit Red Wings with the only Wings fan I'll ever kiss. Meanwhile, over in Pittsburgh, Malkin was roaring back to life with a vengeance, scoring a hat trick against the Ottawa Senators. Of course. I think it's time to bring this out for him, and perhaps try to fix a couple of them in my hotel room.

Geno's Hat Trick

1 bag Bigelow Vanilla Chai, or other chai-flavored tea
1/4 cup milk, more or less
1 ounce cinnamon schnapps
1 ounce vanilla-flavored vodka
1 teaspoon brown sugar

Use a large coffee mug for this. Steep the tea bag in 8 ounces of very hot water for 3-5 minutes.

When tea is done, take bag out. Slowly stir in milk, then brown sugar, then liquors. Drink warm.

This is good for sipping and contemplating things like our new tattoos, why our timing sucks so badly that we haven't seen either of our favorite teams score even one goal in person this week, whether we are jinxes to our favorite teams, and whether I can put together a warm cocktail that does not involve cinnamon schnapps.

Oh, and it's Christmas Eve! Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates, and a good weekend to everyone else!

Locking up the liquor cabinet

I know, just as I opened it, too! Well, it's only temporary. I'll be back and posting around the 29th. I have a good reason. I'm a Penguins fan, but the reason I got into hockey in the first place is my wife L'Ailee, who loves the Detroit Red Wings. (To answer the inevitable questions: Yes, we're both women. I'm bi. I meant every last word I said about Bill Guerin's doability and Sidney Crosby's back porch...and wouldn't those be good names for cocktails? Yes, the last two Stanley Cup Finals were kinda hard on us, but we got over it.)

Anyway. We usually go home to my family in Florida around Christmas, but we decided we'd really rather, you know, enjoy our money, vacation time, and each other. (Since you probably have plenty family drama of your own and use hockey and/or cocktails as a means to escape, I won't bore you with mine.) We live in NYC. We hit on the idea of seeing our teams play in their home arenas. So we're leaving for Pittsburgh on Sunday night, if the weather allows it. I'm sure Monday morning, at least, will be go.

Our schedule is New Jersey Devils at Pittsburgh, go to Detroit, Chicago Blackhawks at Detroit, Christmas Day at *her* family's house for once in Ontario, Columbus Blue Jackets at Detroit, go back to Pittsburgh, Toronto Maple Leafs at Pittsburgh, then go home. There won't be any cocktailing for me unless I can sneak in an airplane bottle of bourbon to doctor my overpriced Diet Cokes, but that's not really the point of going to the arenas anyway. I feel kinda bad for L'Ailee. Just as she gets to go to Joe Louis for the first time in eons, the Wings are as decimated by injuries as, um, the Penguins were quite recently. Yeah, I know I'm a bad Pens fan for saying that.

I'll be watching the Penguins against the Buffalo Sabres (of course!), but probably won't have time to post a cocktail recipe of my own even if everybody's played out of their minds and the score is 20-0. However, of the ten I've already posted, some might be pretty decent for your own holiday parties. I was told by several of our guests that the Lucky 13 went well with Thanksgiving dinner. I also recommend the Penguins Power Play, the Super Duper Slapshot, and Staal's Shorthanded Breakaway.

I'll leave you with someone else's cocktail recipe. I wish I could be this creative and I'm very glad I'm not this creative, all at once. (What I post are recipes that can be made during commercial or intermission.) I'm finding a way to make this happen at my house, or perhaps L'Ailee's uncle's house. It'll make a real impact at yours. Just get your Stanley Cup Champions cap to protect your hair, your thickest leather gloves, your safety goggles, and, of course, your red hot fireplace poker, then see how to make a Red Hot Ale.

Happy holidays to all y'all, and let's go Pens!!!!