Benedict Arnold

I really should have shared this the day both Jaromir Jagr and Max Talbot signed with the Flyers. However, it's become pretty obvious that Talbot's move to the Flyers, as understandable as it was for him from a business standpoint, has gotten to his former teammates during the 2012 Playoffs. (Copying his "shhh", Kris Letang? Really?) So, another strong classic for Game 4 that seems to fit.

Benedict Arnold

2/3 ounce whiskey
1/3 ounce Benedictine liqueur

Shake with ice in a shaker. Strain ice; serve in a cocktail glass. Go top shelf for the whiskey if you make this one.

Captain's Punch

Questions have been swirling around the Penguins throughout this depressing first round of playoffs, but the main one is, "Why are the Penguins so dang cute and cuddly?" Oh, wait, that's not it. The main one is, "What the hell happened to them?" Watching the Penguins combine porous defense with outright thuggery was embarrassing for fans at best. And Sidney Crosby, usually a good leader, was right in the thick of it.

But let's have some fun with this. We're going to want something strong for Game 4. Something that tastes almost as good coming up as it does going down, if things come to that. In light of our captain's aggression, Captain's Punch, a Southern classic, somehow seems right.

Captain's Punch

1/2 oz spiced rum (like Captain Morgan)
1/2 oz amaretto almond liqueur
1/2 oz Southern Comfort
2 1/2 oz orange juice (no pulp is best)

Fill a highball or old-fashioned glass with ice cubes. Pour all ingredients into it. Stir fast, drink slow.

Sidney's Superstition

As Penguins fans, we hated the 2011 Winter Classic, but loved HBO's 24/7 series. One of the better parts addressed Sidney Crosby's many superstitions, including his 5 pm peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

I wanted to do this drink in his honor, and then his season ended in early January. But, his doctor's cleared him for his usual summer workout routine. This made me pathetically happy after that depressing 2010-11 season. So, celebrate the fact that we (knock on wood!) have Crosby on his way back to us with this shooter. He can't have it at 5 pm on game day, but that shouldn't stop you this fall. It's better than putting on a nasty old cup, anyway.

Sidney's Superstition

1 ounce Castries peanut liqueur
1 ounce strawberry vodka

Shake ingredients together in a cocktail shaker with a handful of ice until well-blended. Serve in a shot glass immediately. Recipe can easily be multiplied for a group.

NOTE ON INGREDIENTS: I don't specifically endorse Castries, and I'm certainly not getting paid by any liquor company. I simply don't know any other peanut liqueur. (My first "peanut butter and jelly"-ish shooter was actually made with Frangelico.) This one's very creamy, intense, and rum-based.

The Pittsburgh Penguin

Recipes for cocktails called the Detroit Red Wing and Dallas Star exist. I believe I invented something that can fairly be called the San Jose Shark a couple weeks ago. (Like other people, I got inspired by the teal color of their uniforms. I won't post it until later, if at all.) When I decided to share the San Jose Shark on Twitter, I felt kinda bad that I'd never gotten around to creating something worth calling the Pittsburgh Penguin.

Then I found out about a Kahlua cocktail called a Panda Bear. I love pandas. I love all black and white animals. I'm not ashamed to admit that this is why the Penguins logo initially caught my attention. I liked the concept of the dark Kahlua with something creamy, but hate milk in a cocktail. I also got inspired by the Dallas Star to use Goldschlager, as Vegas Gold is part of the team's colors.

I enjoyed the hell out of it last night, though the Penguins weren't on. I like almost every cocktail I improvise. They're like children--I value each one because I made them and it cost a bomb to bring them into this world. (I don't use cheap liquor.) So I did a quick Twitterpoll. My tweeps' response confirmed that I was on to something.

So, finally, *the* Pittsburgh Penguin cocktail!

Pittsburgh Penguin

1 1/2 ounce Kahlua
1 ounce cream of coconut
1 ounce Goldschlager
crushed ice

Shake all liquid ingredients in a shaker. Fill an old-fashioned glass about two-thirds of the way with crushed ice. Pour the liquid over the ice.

Should any Penguins fan have a different idea of what would fit, or know of a drink called the Pittsburgh Penguin that existed before this one, I'm listening.

Note on ingredients: I am not compensated by any company, and do not endorse any brand. I use brand names here only because I don't know any substitutes for the types of liquor used.

Justin Deffrey

Yes, I know that the Pittsburgh Penguins' *former* AHL call-up, who was recently given the chance at the full-time NHL role he deserves, is named Dustin Jeffrey. But fans and announcers alike sometimes get confused and want to call him "Justin." It really happens after a drink or three.

Jeffrey's two goals last night, one in the first period and the game-winning goal in overtime, were sweet by any name. The Penguins have still gone over a month without winning in regulation, but in the past couple of weeks, it seemed like they were getting either one pity point or nothing. The team and the fans needed a win badly, and Jeffrey delivered. He and Jordan Staal snapped the Boston Bruins' seven-game winning streak.

I decided to toss together random ingredients during the second intermission because I was craving something tiki-ish and I didn't want to walk the streets of Brooklyn on Saturday night. I always have dark rum and cherry liqueur in my kitchen, and I like cream of coconut more than is good for me. You'll probably have a hard time with anyone's name after this.

Justin Deffrey

2 ounces dark rum
2 ounces cream of coconut
1 ounce cherry liqueur
1 ounce pineapple juice
dash allspice

Pour all ingredients in cocktail shaker with a handful of ice. Shake for about 30 seconds. Pour the resulting drink into a hurricane glass mostly filled with ice, preferably crushed.

Sweet Whiskey Nisky

I haven't been inspired for a while, partly because I was busy and partly because of the rash of injuries that hit the Penguins this winter. But I'm optimistic about the new guys. One of them, Matt Niskanen, was best known earlier this season as that dude on the Dallas Stars who got his ass handed to him by Sidney Crosby. That will change soon. Niskanen scored his first goal with the Penguins last night and assisted Chris Conner out of his 17-game goal-less streak. While it wasn't enough to beat the Toronto Maple Leafs, his effort was definitely welcome, as was the one pity point.

A Penguins fan on Twitter (I forget who) tweeted "Sweet whiskey Nisky!" in response to his goal. I got inspired. I had a bit of limoncello that I just hadn't felt like using in my kitchen, so I used that. I love the combination of lemon and honey. I ended up with this while trying to avoid Mike Milbury on Versus during first intermission. This took the edge off when I realized I actually agreed with him that Antti Niemi deserved that nice new contract with the San Jose Sharks.

Sweet Whiskey Nisky

1 1/2 ounces whiskey
1 ounce limoncello
1 teaspoon honey
handful of ice

Pour all ingredients into a cocktail shaker. Shake like crazy. Pour into a glass, ice and all. Good for sipping.

Atlanta Beauty

I hadn't felt inspired lately. Neither had the Pittsburgh Penguins. After the debacle on 11/10/10 which I'll forever refer to as the Boston Bruins Massacre, things were looking pretty bleak indeed for our guys. There were several question marks. Two big ones were Marc-Andre Fleury and Evgeni Malkin.

Then on the 12th, the Penguins roared back to life with a 5-1 win over a severely injured Tampa Bay Lightning. (Hey, our team started the season with tons of injuries, so fair's fair.) Last night, they went to Atlanta to play the Thrashers.

The influx of former Chicago Blackhawks into Atlanta, as well as the fact that the Penguins were playing the second of back-to-back games, had me worried for a moment. So did the fact that Brent Sopel, a Thrashhawk who I normally like, scored the first goal, and it went unanswered for a very long time. But Fleury made some amazing saves. Then Evgeni Malkin, bless his heart, scored the first Penguins hat trick of the season! 4-2, baby! Everyone's right. I worry too much.

This is a drink that I made as a tribute to Atlanta. I actually drank this last night. It's a beautiful city. It gave us Coca-Cola and OutKast, the zoo has a lovely panda family, and it's got a fascinating mixture of old and new. It's also still a wonderful place for slumping Penguins players to come back strong. I love Atlanta!

Atlanta Beauty

6 ounces Coca-Cola or Coke Zero
2 1/2 ounces Southern Comfort Peach

Combine ingredients in a glass with a few ice cubes. Stir gently.

Didn't say it was gonna be complicated, right?

Hockey's Back!

Today, on the whole, has been a bad day. (I won't go into it; you've had yours, too.) We'll have bad days between now and Spring 2011. But now, we'll also have hockey on TV most nights to distract us! This automatically makes them a whole lot better than bad summer weekdays.

Okay, it's not the start of the season yet. As Penguins fans, we wait for October 7 with baited breath. But pre-season's just fine for now. We'll enjoy these games and see what the newcomers do and hope against hope that our favorite players aren't injured by the time the games that count roll around.

Since I'm married to a Red Wings fan, tomorrow's pre-season opener is particularly special in my household. It's special even though we can only listen to it on internet radio. We'll kiss on every Penguins or Red Wings goal, as per cherished tradition, which means we get to kiss on every goal tomorrow night! I hope all the goalies are sieves and the Wings' goalies are just a little leakier. Oooossss-goooood...

I've decided I needed to do a few things with the blog this season. I'm still finding a new layout I like. I decided that I will never again use my blog as part of a pride-bet with my wife, her best friend, or any other Red Wings fan. Last year, I talked myself into having to turn this blog red and white for 24 hours, including this disgusting and hastily-assembled logo:



*shudders* Never, ever again. I also had a real thing for using cinnamon schnapps in warm cocktails last year. I figured that I need to diversify my repertoire as we get into winter. I made this last night. There isn't a drop of schnapps, cinnamon or otherwise, in it. Depending on where you live, the weather may be cool enough to make you want to try it tomorrow night. If it isn't, it'll get that way soon, and isn't that awesome?

Hockey's Back!

1 bag licorice tea (I used Stash Tea's Licorice Spice)
2 ounces Pernod
1 ounce vanilla vodka
1 teaspoon sugar or Splenda

Brew the licorice tea in a mug half-filled with hot water for a few minutes. While that's brewing, combine Pernod and vanilla vodka, either by stirring in another small glass or shaking. When the tea is brewed, remove the bag and stir in sweetener, then Pernod and vodka. Sip slowly while it's warm.

Housecleaning

Hockey's coming back! The Penguins are coming back! No, really! So I decided to organize my blog a little bit better, update my links list, and finally make my logo grammatically correct. If you think I should link to your blog or someone else's, please let me know.

The roster's not completely set yet, but there will be some changes. We say goodbye to several players, with varying degrees of enthusiasm: Mark Eaton, Sergei Gonchar, Bill Guerin (okay, I keened over him for a day on my Twitter account, don't judge me), Jordan Leopold, and Alexei Ponikarovsky. The drinks I named after them are under the "past Penguins" tag.

We say hello to Arron Asham (several tomato juice baths and a Little Tree around his neck will help with the Flyer stink), Paul Martin, and Zbynek Michalek. I look forward to getting inspired by them, and any other new additions to come. Also, I completely forgot to name one after Alex Goligoski! I'll be fixing that next season.

While you wait and bite your nails, maybe you'd like a drink. This milkshake is nice and cold while it's hot outside, but uses good autumn-y flavors.

Taste of Hockey Season

1 scoop black walnut ice cream (butter pecan will do if you have to)
2 ounces bourbon
1 ounce milk
1 tablespoon pure maple syrup (maple/agave blend is a cheaper substitute)

Pour all ingredients into blender; blend until everything's mixed. Pour into a glass and drink immediately.

This one is perhaps a bit better for you, but it's cool and tasty and has an excellent green color.

Summer Street Hockey

1/2 cucumber, peeled
1 cup honeydew melon, in chunks
2 ounces light/white rum
1 ounce Midori melon liqueur
Handful of ice cubes

Blend all ingredients in blender until everything's the same consistency. Pour and drink immediately.

Carrot Top on a Dare

MouthGuard, a frequent reader/commenter, dared me to make a drink and name it "Carrot Top" in, um, honor of the Philadelphia Flyers' Scott Hartnell. Since I am superstitious enough to make Sidney Crosby shake his head and say "Damn, girl," or whatever they say in Nova Scotia, there was no way in hell I'd try it until the Stanley Cup was safely in the Chicago Blackhawks' hands. (Anything but a Flyers win, was my philosophy.) I tend to Google recipe ideas so nobody can come here and tell me that, for example, the drink I named after Brooks Orpik was first created by Pierre McGuire, named "Leadership," and has been served in Philadelphia's best sports bar for years. Turns out there's already a cocktail called Carrot Top. I'm sure it's fine, but I had other ideas.

The "carrot" made me think of something that would taste like carrot cake in a glass. This cocktail purports to do that, but you'll see that something crucial is missing--namely, carrot. So I started with carrot juice. Also, I wanted to do something with Absolut Brooklyn, which is flavored with red apple and ginger. Frankly, I'd have liked it better in the fall and don't think there's anything particularly "Brooklyn" about this flavor combination, but it's good.

I came up with this. The Frangelico adds a bit of nuttiness and creaminess. Though it's martini-sized and worked nicely in a martini glass, I don't think it qualifies as a martini. My cocktail mentor sure wouldn't think so. Whatever it is, it matches Scott Hartnell's hair and his team's uniforms, but isn't nearly as repulsive as the Flyers organization or most of its players. Since it's the off-season, I'd even serve Hartnell one if he could swear he understands that Penguins are opponents, not food.

Carrot Top

2 ounces carrot juice
2 ounces Absolut Brooklyn vodka
1 ounce Frangelico
Dash or two of cinnamon
Cinnamon sugar to rim the glass

Combine all ingredients except cinnamon sugar in a cocktail shaker with 2 or 3 ice cubes. Shake thoroughly. Place cinnamon sugar on a plate; moisten the rim of a martini glass with water. Dip rim of glass into cinnamon sugar to coat. Strain liquid into martini glass.

Note on ingredients: I don't like to specify brands if I can avoid it--nobody's paying me to advertise for them and I don't want any perception that I am unless the company is actually delivering product to my home. However, I don't think any adequate substitutes for the liquors mentioned here exist.

Cleaning out the Lockers--the Shot Blocker

What else for Jay McKee but something that will have you taking lots of shots in one go? Those familiar with this blog know that when I want to get more than lightly toasted--like, oh, if the unthinkable happens and the Flyers are contending for the Cup, knock on wood--I head in the direction of the tiki bar.

The Shot Blocker

3 ounces pineapple juice (fresh if possible)
3 ounces orange juice
1 1/2 ounces Grand Marnier or other orange liqueur (NOT blue curacao)
1 1/2 ounces dark rum
3 ounces bourbon
Crushed ice

Blend all ingredients in a blender for a few seconds, or shake if your shaker's big enough. Fill a big glass about three quarters of the way with crushed ice. Pour the liquid into it. Make sure the number of the local cab company's programmed into your cell phone.

Superstar Daiquiri

Honestly, sometimes I come up with a cocktail and just wait for a particular Pittsburgh Penguins player (say that five times fast!) to "earn" it. So it was with this one. I fixed it over a month ago right before a game, just because I thought it would look cool, and it tasted good, too. I immediately thought of Max Talbot. But it wasn't the playoffs yet, so it had to wait a bit. He's been awesome against the Ottawa Senators in this first round, though, hasn't he? Last night, when he scored that shorthanded goal, there was no doubt that the Superstar was back and in fine postseason form.

Longtime (and unusually attentive) readers may have seen me post things about how I like to take advantage of in-season fruit, how I understand that nobody wants to go chasing all over town for ingredients, how I like to keep things easy, and how I hate garnishes. But as Talbot would no doubt tell you himself, he's a special case and worth a bit of extra effort during the playoffs. We're at the tail end of kiwi season. Fresh starfruit's pretty hard to find--what you'll get right now is grown in hothouses, and can probably only be found in Asian markets and/or stores in larger cities. Starfruit's pretty bland-tasting and is basically only there so I could get the "super star" garnish, so two kiwis would actually be better if you want to save time and money. Either way, it has a cool, almost poisonous-looking yellowish-green color that Talbot would probably love in a shirt.

Superstar Daiquiri

1 1/2 ounce light (a/k/a "white") rum
1 ounce Midori melon liqueur
1 kiwifruit, peeled and sliced in half
1 starfruit, sliced horizontally and peeled. (Save biggest piece for garnish.)
1 teaspoon lemon juice
1 teaspoon sugar

Pulse all ingredients in a blender until they're thoroughly mixed. Add a handful of ice cubes; blend until the drink's cold and frothy. Pour into a tall glass. Garnish with starfruit slice on the rim. Don't wait too long to drink it!

Out of the Penalty Box!

I have got to be more careful when I pride-bet. But the 24 hours with that awful, awful red-and-white color scheme are OVER! So, I hope, are the Washington Capitals tomorrow night. The Caps may be a bit distracted--wonder why?

As I said, I'll be drinking Crosby Sucks in honor of the chants we'll be hearing all week. However, I thought of what I want to be chanting at my TV. This isn't my recipe--it's a classic cocktail that I enjoyed in my early twenties on the rare occasions when I really, really wanted to get hammered. Basically, it's jungle juice, but since it's blue and tastes citrusy, I loved it.

Adios Motherfucker

1 ounce gin
1 ounce light rum
1 ounce tequila
1 ounce vodka
1 1/2 ounce blue curacao liqueur
2 ounces sweet-and-sour mix
1 ounce lemon-lime soda

Shake all the alcohol plus sweet-and-sour mix in a shaker. Pour into tall glass with ice. Float lemon-lime soda on top.

USA! USA! USA!

I promised red, white, and blue cocktails, but I had surgery planned this past week and underestimated just how much that would cut into my blogging time (no pun intended!) Tomorrow, my "cocktail" for watching USA versus Canada mens' hockey will be Percocet chased with Stash Tea's Red, White, and Blueberry Fusion.

This is a favorite of mine for times when I feel patriotic, though. There are a gazillion variations--the point is to pick liquors and mixers that will sit on top of each other, in red, white, and blue, equal amounts, and not stir. This is mine.

Bomb Pop

2 ounces blue curacao liqueur
2 ounces pre-made lemonade, without pulp (Turkey Hill's works)
2 ounces pomegranate liqueur

Pour pomegranate liqueur into old-fashioned glass first. Slowly pour in lemonade, then blue curacao. It'll mix, but don't stir it!

A few other All-American cocktail ideas, some of which are more complicated than I'll ever make during intermission:

the Boston Pops Martini, which I like because it's rimmed with Pop Rocks instead of sugar. (Free Candy!)

Food and Wine magazine's recipes and illustrations

It's gonna feel weird rooting against Sidney Crosby tomorrow. Having Brooks Orpik on Team USA makes it tons easier. USA! USA! USA!

Letang Stands Up

Sometimes I kinda have a cocktail matched with a player in my mind. Like, Jay McKee's is going to involve many shots of liquor, and I've got one that can fairly be called "Free Candy" on deck for Brooks Orpik. Kris Letang's was almost certain to be a chocolate martini. Yeah, I know they're common. Hear me out: chocolate martinis seem sweet, even deceptively harmless, but can kick your ass. Both Letang and chocolate martinis have lots of female fans. And then there was the big basket of chocolate associated with him during the Penguins' holiday gift basket auction this season. It seemed obvious.

I post it tonight because Letang demonstrated why the Penguins are such an awesome team this afternoon. The Flyers' Darroll Powe appeared to hurt Alex Goligoski some with a check from behind. Letang swooped in and jumped Powe. Not only did Letang stand up for his teammate, but he got the better of Powe. So, tonight we celebrate the way Letang out-bullied one of the Broad Street Bullies.

Letang Stands Up

1 1/2 ounces Stolichnaya Razberi or other raspberry-flavored vodka
1 ounce creme de cacao

Pour ingredients into cocktail shaker; shake with a handful of ice. Strain liquid into martini glass.

Incidentally, for anyone interested, my performances went just fine this afternoon. Even got zaghareets (cheers) from women whose talent intimidated me. It was a great time, and my instructor had all kinds of delicious Middle Eastern food, including really excellent baklava, waiting for us when our performances were done. Then I came home to TiVo and the Penguins beating the Flyers at their house once again. Sundays don't get better than that!

"It's NBC, go ahead and run the blender"

I hope that I don't ruin it by typing this out, but I'm pretty confident that the Pittsburgh Penguins will win tomorrow's game against the Philadelphia Flyers even though it's in the afternoon. You see, I have a pretty good track record. Every month this season, there's been a game late in the month that I've had to miss because I was unavoidably busy doing something else, whether it was clubbing in Orlando with friends I hadn't seen in a year or watching the Detroit Red Wings with L'Ailee at Joe Louis. Inevitably, as I was getting drawn into a bar fight with some woman who thought I was stealing her boyfriend (won it, by the way) or whining because I'd paid to watch the Wings get their asses handed to them, the Pens would have themselves an amazing game that I'd have to learn about via text updates.

Tomorrow, I will be performing with other members of my belly-dancing class. I am extremely nervous, because there will also be actual Middle Eastern women who've danced all their lives in that room and I am at the shallow end of the talent pool. No way in hell can I get out of it, especially since I have a tandem performance with my best friend in addition to my solo. I will have to watch everyone else, and I will be expected to stick around for tea and snacks with my instructor. Our guys lost against the Flyers the last time. They lost the first game of the season against the Washington Capitals on Thursday. They can't be anything but motivated tomorrow. I fully expect that while I'm dancing to the Revels' "Comanche" and hopefully not tripping over my own feet, the Penguins will be playing on fire.

I'm gonna be drinking herbal tea and lots of it. I hope somebody has a Crosby Sucks for me. (It seems like that's the signature drink of this blog, at least for the moment.) But since y'all are going to have to endure NBC's hockey commentary in order to watch this game, you might want something that makes it a little more bearable. Something that involves running the blender to drown their gang of idiots out during intermission. Something like the Pensacola Bushwacker, a true Floridian original that is so bad for you in so many ways that it's excellent. Some people say you should use half-and-half, some people say ice cream, and some people say both. I come down firmly on the "ice cream" side.

Pensacola Bushwacker

4 oz cream of coconut
2 oz Kahlua
1 oz dark rum
1 oz creme de cacao
1/2 cup vanilla ice cream

Pour all ingredients into a blender with two cups of ice, and blend until completely mixed. Serve in a hurricane glass.

And, for another multi-recipe post, a cocktail that is somewhat less horrible for you, but probably much more horrible for your jersey, couch, and carpet if you're not careful. Tasty, though. This is something my sister-in-law likes to do with cheap red wine. Her name for it seems more appropriate for Flyers hockey than anything I can think of, too.

Punch in the Mouth

3/4 cup merlot or shiraz
3/4 cup frozen berries. (Raspberries, blackberries, blueberries, or a combination of those will work)
1/2 cup pomegranate juice

Put all ingredients into blender; blend until completely mixed. Serve in a hurricane glass or large tumbler. You notice that there is no ice in this one. This is why I emphasize that the berries should be frozen...and, of course, your blender should be strong enough to handle such a job.

Y'all make the drinking game, I'll make the shooters

I've thought of creating a Ovechkin versus Crosby Capitals versus Penguins drinking game for a week. The problem is, I've had a few other things on my mind, and I don't have a lot of inspiration left for a drinking game. I do, however, have a few excellent ideas for shooters. So, I'll post a couple shooters, and as we count down the hours, maybe other Penguins fans can make suggestions in comments.

Each of these is a single shot; you can multiply the quantities for multiple shots. The Goldfish is my adaptation of the Finnish fisu (fish) shot, which combines Fisherman's Friend cough drops with chilled vodka--mine tastes, but doesn't feel, a little gentler. Being a Southerner, I regard the Alabama Slammer Shooter as a classic. The Peanut Butter and Jelly...well, readers of Puck Huffers know why.

Goldfish

1 ounce Pernod
1 ounce vodka
2 Fisherman's Friend cough drops

Combine ingredients with a handful of crushed ice in a shaker, then shake. Strain liquid into shot glass.

Alabama Slammer Shooter

1/2 oz sloe gin
1 oz amaretto
1 oz Southern Comfort
dash of lemon juice

Pour all ingredients into a highball glass with ice. Stir well, then strain into a shot glass.

Peanut Butter and Jelly

3/4 ounce Frangelico liqueur
3/4 ounce Chambord liqueur

Fill a cocktail shaker with ice. Pour ingredients into it, shake well. Strain into a shot glass.

I close with a haiku I wrote:

Go ahead, call him
'A caveman-looking asshole'.
We know you want to.

Salvaging the Game

I very seldom drink to get drunk. My cocktail recipes tend to reflect my preference for getting relaxed, not hammered. However, last night's game against Vancouver called for something stronger than the Lucky 13 I started with. Oh, it had such promise at first. Evgeni Malkin finally broke his goal-less streak in the first period--it was weird and fluky, but we screamed over it anyway. L'Ailee was born and raised in Siberia, and though she loves her Red Wings, her real loyalties lie with "all good Russian players." We didn't know she'd find another Russian player to love very soon.

InjuryFest 2009/10 claimed the Penguins' goalies. Our solid backup goalie Brent Johnson had a groin injury. Then Marc-Andre Fleury broke a finger on his glove hand during the Edmonton game. The Penguins called John Curry up from the Wilkes Barre/Scranton team. No problem--Curry's good for the Baby Pens, and he was solid when Pittsburgh needed him last year. But just in case, they signed up Alexander Pechursky, a 19-year-old Russian WHL goalie, for a one-day contract. Basically, Pechursky would have an awesome view of the Penguins/Canucks game...right?

Curry would let two Canucks goals freak him out and shrink in the net, very quickly allowing a 2-1 lead by the Canucks to become a 5-1 lead. The game wasn't even halfway over. I was masochistic loyal enough to see if the Pens could at least close the gap some. It was time for a Zombie. I have a fondness for classic tiki bar drinks, and Zombies are my favorite way to get real hammered real quick. But I didn't have everything for a proper Zombie and wasn't about to go out on a Brooklyn street at midnight to get dark rum and apricot brandy, even if the liquor store is ten steps away from my place. So, like the Penguins, I improvised. As Pechursky was put in goal, I fixed a lazy woman's Zombie in my kitchen. Like Pechursky in his cheap-ass mask, misspelled jersey, and borrowed pads, it actually turned out pretty damned good!

I considered several names for this drink. "Lazy Zombie," which probably fits the defense poor Curry got. "The Little Goalie Boy," as my wife called Pechursky twice. Then there was "Oh, Make It Stop," "Don't They Know They Don't Have Fleury?", and, as I exclaimed several times in the second period, "Fuck Me Raw!" But as my head cleared this morning, I settled on...

Salvaging the Game

1/2 ounce Bacardi 151 rum (or other 151-proof rum)
1 ounce pineapple juice
1 ounce orange juice
1/2 ounce lime juice
1/2 ounce cherry liqueur
3 ounces light rum

Shake all ingredients except 151-proof rum with crushed ice. Pour, ice and all, into a Collins glass. Pour 151-proof rum on top. Don't stir, just drink. Hope, hope, hope that you don't feel compelled to fix this again for the rest of the season.

Two in One

During a losing streak in which I tried very hard not to despair over the Penguins' direction, broken only by a win against the Atlanta Thrashers, I wasn't really inspired to celebrate the team with cocktails. That's why there haven't been new posts. (Well, that and I was kind of busy.) Last night's win against the Toronto Maple Leafs put me in the happy position of being unable to choose which of two Penguins players I wanted to celebrate. So, to make up for a recent lack of cocktails, I am going to post both.

Before I do, a little bit of business. It's hard to come up with something truly innovative when you're mixing drinks, particularly if, as I do, you'd just like to quickly whomp something together in your kitchen for watching the game. I came to like the combination of bourbon with a teaspoon of maple syrup and a dash of lemon juice this winter. Apparently this is called a Maple Leaf. Obviously that was unacceptable last night.

I've done a couple of internet searches, and while there are cocktails named after several hockey teams, there are none named after the Pittsburgh Penguins! By the end of the regular season, I'd like to create something simple and good that is worthy of being called the Pittsburgh Penguin. If you have suggestions, or if anyone has beaten me to it, please let me know in comments.

Anyway. Sergei Gonchar came roaring back from a leg injury with a vengeance last night. Two goals, including a power play goal! Yes, that power play goal was awfully weird, the way it bounced off the back of the net. Yes, it sucked that there was a dispute with the referees and that Gonchar wound up spending two minutes in the penalty box for hooking. But it counted, goddamn it, it counted! Soon after Gonchar left the box, he scored a much clearer and more decisive even strength goal that not even the referees could doubt.

Y'all probably figured that I love citrus by now. My brother, who knows his artisanal spirits, gave me a bottle of Compass Box' Orangerie as a present. It is delicious. You can't technically call it Scotch--it is a Scotch infusion with notes of orange and cloves, and I like it just with club soda. I'd like it in my bath if that was an option. Since Gonchar is a grown-ass man who likes the finer things in life, I bet he'd want the second-to-last shot of my Orangerie if I were serving him. He can't have it. However, after last night's performance, I'd be willing to get him some good single-malt Scotch and make the following:

Gonchar's Revenge
(a/k/a "I'm Blind, I'm Deaf, I Wanna Be a Ref")

1 1/2 ounce Scotch
1/2 ounce orange liqueur
1 dash orange bitters
1 dash cloves
About 3-4 ounces club soda

Put all of the ingredients except the club soda in a cocktail shaker with a handful of ice; shake like crazy for a minute. Pour the Scotch mixture into a highball glass, straining out ice. Fill glass with club soda. Yes, it's almost a basic Scotch-and-soda, with added flavors. It doesn't taste quite like the Orangerie, but it's good nonetheless.

The other player I'd like to thank for the Penguins' win last night is Marc-Andre Fleury. The Penguins' goalie has been in a bit of a slump. (I may have used the phrase "Swiss cheese" to describe his recent performance.) But he was awesome against the Maple Leafs. The Leafs kept throwing rubber at him, especially during the third period--22 shots in that period alone. He allowed one goal by Matt Stajan. There could have been so many more. His performance was one of the big reasons why the Penguins won by a wide margin.

There exists a drink called the Depressed Goalie. That's not our Flower, not even when he's a sieve, and certainly not last night! This is a very simple drink with a really nice flavor, and it might put a big Fleury-esque smile on your face. Look for the sparkling pear juice in health food aisles at the supermarket, Whole Foods, or Trader Joe's.

the Happy Goalie

2 ounces amaretto
About 3 ounces sparkling pear juice

Pour amaretto into a champagne flute. Top with sparkling pear juice. Don't stir--a light shake is plenty. (You don't want to break the bubbles!) Sip slowly.

Worst Coach in the NHL

Now, everyone in Penguins Nation is upset about that loss to the Buffalo Sabres last night. I still can't believe it. I mean, at first intermission I felt compelled to belly-dance because the guys were doing so damn good, and it even looked like Fleury might get his first shutout of the year, and then...ugh. Just ugh. It's obvious that the Pens will have to make some changes and step up their efforts. But not even the fairest of fair-weather Penguins fans is willing to say that Dan Bylsma is a bad coach, let alone the worst in the NHL...right?

Puck Prospectus' writers are probably not Penguins fans. They went there earlier this month. Hooks Orpik gave that idiotic article a good old-fashioned fisking at PensBurgh today. Unlike Hooks, I can't wield statistics. What I've got is alcohol.

New Years' Eve is tomorrow, which brings to mind champagne and champagne cocktails. My friend A. wanted the recipe for a champagne cocktail I fixed last year anyway. I think it has a name now. I would recommend using cheap, sweet, and cheerful champagne for this.

Worst Coach in the NHL

One sugar cube
Angostura bitters
1/2 ounce orange liqueur
About 4 ounces champagne

Soak the sugar cube with bitters. Drop it in a champagne flute, then pour orange liqueur over it. Fill flute with champagne. If you want, garnish with a twist of orange peel or a clementine wedge.

Enjoy it in good health, Dan, and next time, let those big, strong, young players of yours push their own damned tour bus!

New Jersey Devils again tonight. Here's a bit of psyche-up music for a team that better come in firing on all cylinders. THE MEN CRY OUT THE GIRLS CRY OUT...LET'S GO PENS!!!