"Oh, God, McGuire's talking."

Another week, another Sunday afternoon Penguins game on NBC. This time, the Pens take on the Detroit Red Wings! This means either way, L'Ailee and I will be kissing to celebrate every last goal, so I'm kinda hoping both goalies are sieves and the Penguins win by, like, 11-10. I have also pride-bet. L'Ailee's best friend loves the Wings, too. If the Pens win, his daughter and I get to decorate his cab with Penguins-iana so he and his customers can enjoy it all Monday. If *shudder* the Wings win, I have to turn this page red and white all Monday and post the official recipe for the Detroit Red Wing cocktail. Let's go Pens!!!

Have I mentioned that there needs to be a cocktail worthy of being called the Pittsburgh Penguin yet? I'm still soliciting suggestions. Something black and/or Vegas gold, maybe? Or something really Pittsburgh? How about something that'll start out awesome, make you sick in the middle, then make you really glad you stuck with it until the end?

Anyway. Some of you may feel that it's too early to drink (and if you're in Detroit or further west, you're probably right.) Some of you may not want a cold drink, since it's pretty damned cold in many parts of the US already. But some of you might really want to run the blender while the idiots on NBC are talking and get yourself into a mellower frame of mind. To this end, I post another blender drink.

You know how that Verizon commercial with the hockey teams stranded in an airport with an icy runway is pretty cool even though the teams are the Washington Capitals and the Philadelphia Flyers? This is kinda like that. I hate bananas, with a passion, and I can tolerate this. Other people I know really like it. Essentially, it's most of a Bananas Foster dessert--no flambe-ing, sorry--turned into a daiquiri.

Bananas Foster Daiquiri

1 whole ripe banana
1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 heaping teaspoon brown sugar
2 ounces dark rum
1/2 cup crushed ice

Break the banana into several pieces. Put all ingredients in the blender. Blend at a low speed for a few seconds, then on high until everything's together and the drink is firm. Pour into a cocktail glass.

Eaton's 500th

By my own standards, I'm a bit late with this. But last night's game, frankly, kinda sucked. It didn't help that I was in an evil mood to begin with and the "cocktails" I personally had last night were ginger tea with honey and lemon, chased with a shot of Nyquil.

I have learned to really hate Chris Neil from the Ottawa Senators this season, and I rather enjoyed it when he tried to board Sergei Gonchar and ended up hurting himself worse. Then he managed to push Mark Eaton into the corner and hit his head. It looked awful. As a lifelong NASCAR fan, I'm still tempted to refer to such an incident as "putting into the wall and wrecking." Fortunately, Eaton was not wrecked. He got up right away and didn't miss a beat. His 500th NHL game may not have been good, but it sure was memorable!

My cocktail recipes tend to be sweet. But something sweet wouldn't really do justice to the impressive toughness Eaton showed last night, would it? So this is the least-sweet thing I can think of. It resulted from me starting to make a classic dirty martini for a friend at a party a few years ago, accidentally getting out dill pickles instead of olives, and wondering, "Why not?" He liked the result, and so have a couple of other friends since. I don't, but that's okay.

Eaton's 500th

2 ounces gin
1 tablespoon dry vermouth
1 tablespoon dill pickle brine. (Don't let garlic bits and other herbs get into it, of course.)
1 dill pickle spear to garnish (optional)

Put liquid ingredients in cocktail shaker with two ice cubes; shake hard for about 30 seconds. Strain into martini glass. Include pickle spear, if desired--I've been told it "adds something", presumably something good, to stir the drink with it.

Conner's Comeback

Bill Guerin was unable to play against the New York Rangers last night, and I was *not* happy about that. Even though he's Mustache Boy this month, and February can't come soon enough, if Guerin made me an offer I'd...um, cry as I explained that I'm flattered, but I'm happily married and want to stay that way. So I was already predisposed to dislike Chris Conner, who was sent up from the Wilkes Barre/Scranton team to replace him for the night. I also remembered that Conner's performance with Pittsburgh had been less than stellar when he was called up in November. So he was on the first line with Sidney Crosby. Damn it all to hell...

I wasn't going to post this cocktail. It's so good, but the composition is similar to the Happy Goalie (named after Marc-Andre Fleury, of course), and I've already posted lots of recipes involving citrus-y flavors. I wouldn't have posted anything for Chris Conner, either. I don't know much about him, and he's not technically a Pittsburgh Penguin. But the thing is, I hate the Rangers with an undying hate. I live in NYC, and there are some very vocal Rangers fans at my office who love to point out anything wrong with the Penguins, real or imagined. My 9-year-old "niece" (actually, a good friend's daughter) gets teased by Rangers fan classmates for being a Penguins fan, too.

Conner totally endeared himself to me last night by scoring two goals on the Rangers! Sure, he had Crosby as his center, but we all know that's not always a guarantee of success for a winger. Because Conner allowed me to hip-switch into the break room at my office and grin like a Cheshire cat at a Rangers fan exec, who held up his hand and told me not to say a word, I absolutely had to post something for him. Therefore:

Conner's Comeback

About 4 ounces sparkling blueberry juice
2 ounces citrus-flavored vodka

Pour vodka into champagne flute. Top with sparkling blueberry juice. Shake gently; don't stir.

The sparkling blueberry juice is available at health food sections of supermarkets and Trader Joe's, and these flavors play very nicely together.

Letang Stands Up

Sometimes I kinda have a cocktail matched with a player in my mind. Like, Jay McKee's is going to involve many shots of liquor, and I've got one that can fairly be called "Free Candy" on deck for Brooks Orpik. Kris Letang's was almost certain to be a chocolate martini. Yeah, I know they're common. Hear me out: chocolate martinis seem sweet, even deceptively harmless, but can kick your ass. Both Letang and chocolate martinis have lots of female fans. And then there was the big basket of chocolate associated with him during the Penguins' holiday gift basket auction this season. It seemed obvious.

I post it tonight because Letang demonstrated why the Penguins are such an awesome team this afternoon. The Flyers' Darroll Powe appeared to hurt Alex Goligoski some with a check from behind. Letang swooped in and jumped Powe. Not only did Letang stand up for his teammate, but he got the better of Powe. So, tonight we celebrate the way Letang out-bullied one of the Broad Street Bullies.

Letang Stands Up

1 1/2 ounces Stolichnaya Razberi or other raspberry-flavored vodka
1 ounce creme de cacao

Pour ingredients into cocktail shaker; shake with a handful of ice. Strain liquid into martini glass.

Incidentally, for anyone interested, my performances went just fine this afternoon. Even got zaghareets (cheers) from women whose talent intimidated me. It was a great time, and my instructor had all kinds of delicious Middle Eastern food, including really excellent baklava, waiting for us when our performances were done. Then I came home to TiVo and the Penguins beating the Flyers at their house once again. Sundays don't get better than that!

"It's NBC, go ahead and run the blender"

I hope that I don't ruin it by typing this out, but I'm pretty confident that the Pittsburgh Penguins will win tomorrow's game against the Philadelphia Flyers even though it's in the afternoon. You see, I have a pretty good track record. Every month this season, there's been a game late in the month that I've had to miss because I was unavoidably busy doing something else, whether it was clubbing in Orlando with friends I hadn't seen in a year or watching the Detroit Red Wings with L'Ailee at Joe Louis. Inevitably, as I was getting drawn into a bar fight with some woman who thought I was stealing her boyfriend (won it, by the way) or whining because I'd paid to watch the Wings get their asses handed to them, the Pens would have themselves an amazing game that I'd have to learn about via text updates.

Tomorrow, I will be performing with other members of my belly-dancing class. I am extremely nervous, because there will also be actual Middle Eastern women who've danced all their lives in that room and I am at the shallow end of the talent pool. No way in hell can I get out of it, especially since I have a tandem performance with my best friend in addition to my solo. I will have to watch everyone else, and I will be expected to stick around for tea and snacks with my instructor. Our guys lost against the Flyers the last time. They lost the first game of the season against the Washington Capitals on Thursday. They can't be anything but motivated tomorrow. I fully expect that while I'm dancing to the Revels' "Comanche" and hopefully not tripping over my own feet, the Penguins will be playing on fire.

I'm gonna be drinking herbal tea and lots of it. I hope somebody has a Crosby Sucks for me. (It seems like that's the signature drink of this blog, at least for the moment.) But since y'all are going to have to endure NBC's hockey commentary in order to watch this game, you might want something that makes it a little more bearable. Something that involves running the blender to drown their gang of idiots out during intermission. Something like the Pensacola Bushwacker, a true Floridian original that is so bad for you in so many ways that it's excellent. Some people say you should use half-and-half, some people say ice cream, and some people say both. I come down firmly on the "ice cream" side.

Pensacola Bushwacker

4 oz cream of coconut
2 oz Kahlua
1 oz dark rum
1 oz creme de cacao
1/2 cup vanilla ice cream

Pour all ingredients into a blender with two cups of ice, and blend until completely mixed. Serve in a hurricane glass.

And, for another multi-recipe post, a cocktail that is somewhat less horrible for you, but probably much more horrible for your jersey, couch, and carpet if you're not careful. Tasty, though. This is something my sister-in-law likes to do with cheap red wine. Her name for it seems more appropriate for Flyers hockey than anything I can think of, too.

Punch in the Mouth

3/4 cup merlot or shiraz
3/4 cup frozen berries. (Raspberries, blackberries, blueberries, or a combination of those will work)
1/2 cup pomegranate juice

Put all ingredients into blender; blend until completely mixed. Serve in a hurricane glass or large tumbler. You notice that there is no ice in this one. This is why I emphasize that the berries should be frozen...and, of course, your blender should be strong enough to handle such a job.

Y'all make the drinking game, I'll make the shooters

I've thought of creating a Ovechkin versus Crosby Capitals versus Penguins drinking game for a week. The problem is, I've had a few other things on my mind, and I don't have a lot of inspiration left for a drinking game. I do, however, have a few excellent ideas for shooters. So, I'll post a couple shooters, and as we count down the hours, maybe other Penguins fans can make suggestions in comments.

Each of these is a single shot; you can multiply the quantities for multiple shots. The Goldfish is my adaptation of the Finnish fisu (fish) shot, which combines Fisherman's Friend cough drops with chilled vodka--mine tastes, but doesn't feel, a little gentler. Being a Southerner, I regard the Alabama Slammer Shooter as a classic. The Peanut Butter and Jelly...well, readers of Puck Huffers know why.

Goldfish

1 ounce Pernod
1 ounce vodka
2 Fisherman's Friend cough drops

Combine ingredients with a handful of crushed ice in a shaker, then shake. Strain liquid into shot glass.

Alabama Slammer Shooter

1/2 oz sloe gin
1 oz amaretto
1 oz Southern Comfort
dash of lemon juice

Pour all ingredients into a highball glass with ice. Stir well, then strain into a shot glass.

Peanut Butter and Jelly

3/4 ounce Frangelico liqueur
3/4 ounce Chambord liqueur

Fill a cocktail shaker with ice. Pour ingredients into it, shake well. Strain into a shot glass.

I close with a haiku I wrote:

Go ahead, call him
'A caveman-looking asshole'.
We know you want to.

Salvaging the Game

I very seldom drink to get drunk. My cocktail recipes tend to reflect my preference for getting relaxed, not hammered. However, last night's game against Vancouver called for something stronger than the Lucky 13 I started with. Oh, it had such promise at first. Evgeni Malkin finally broke his goal-less streak in the first period--it was weird and fluky, but we screamed over it anyway. L'Ailee was born and raised in Siberia, and though she loves her Red Wings, her real loyalties lie with "all good Russian players." We didn't know she'd find another Russian player to love very soon.

InjuryFest 2009/10 claimed the Penguins' goalies. Our solid backup goalie Brent Johnson had a groin injury. Then Marc-Andre Fleury broke a finger on his glove hand during the Edmonton game. The Penguins called John Curry up from the Wilkes Barre/Scranton team. No problem--Curry's good for the Baby Pens, and he was solid when Pittsburgh needed him last year. But just in case, they signed up Alexander Pechursky, a 19-year-old Russian WHL goalie, for a one-day contract. Basically, Pechursky would have an awesome view of the Penguins/Canucks game...right?

Curry would let two Canucks goals freak him out and shrink in the net, very quickly allowing a 2-1 lead by the Canucks to become a 5-1 lead. The game wasn't even halfway over. I was masochistic loyal enough to see if the Pens could at least close the gap some. It was time for a Zombie. I have a fondness for classic tiki bar drinks, and Zombies are my favorite way to get real hammered real quick. But I didn't have everything for a proper Zombie and wasn't about to go out on a Brooklyn street at midnight to get dark rum and apricot brandy, even if the liquor store is ten steps away from my place. So, like the Penguins, I improvised. As Pechursky was put in goal, I fixed a lazy woman's Zombie in my kitchen. Like Pechursky in his cheap-ass mask, misspelled jersey, and borrowed pads, it actually turned out pretty damned good!

I considered several names for this drink. "Lazy Zombie," which probably fits the defense poor Curry got. "The Little Goalie Boy," as my wife called Pechursky twice. Then there was "Oh, Make It Stop," "Don't They Know They Don't Have Fleury?", and, as I exclaimed several times in the second period, "Fuck Me Raw!" But as my head cleared this morning, I settled on...

Salvaging the Game

1/2 ounce Bacardi 151 rum (or other 151-proof rum)
1 ounce pineapple juice
1 ounce orange juice
1/2 ounce lime juice
1/2 ounce cherry liqueur
3 ounces light rum

Shake all ingredients except 151-proof rum with crushed ice. Pour, ice and all, into a Collins glass. Pour 151-proof rum on top. Don't stir, just drink. Hope, hope, hope that you don't feel compelled to fix this again for the rest of the season.